Spiritual Comfort
As a psychotherapist, I have been working with abuse and trauma for over 35 years. I have learned that healing takes its own time. Some aspects of the injury can heal quickly, whilst other parts can take a long time, sometimes a lifetime. I have also learned that the Lord has a work for those who are wounded and when you ask Him, He will show you the meaning and purpose of your life’s journey as you begin to recover.
This article cannot provide all the answers. It may offer hope and a supportive hand as you walk this path. Like Elder Richard G. Scott, from his conference address in April 1992, ‘Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse’, I too wish we might have “a private setting to discuss” these painful and difficult issues. (1)
More resources are available to assist in healing from the consequences of abuse, yet I am also aware that there are those who feel unseen and who have not yet received the healing they are searching for. I recommend that you seek professional help, from someone who is qualified to work with trauma.
Perhaps you fear that you will never be healed. Elder Patrick Kearon, speaking at general conference in April 2022, offers this unequivocal reassurance: “You can survive. You have in fact already been rescued; you have already been saved – by the One who has suffered the very torment you are suffering and endured the very agony you are enduring. Jesus has overcome the abuses of this world to give you power to not only survive but one day, through Him, to overcome and even conquer – to completely rise above the pain, the misery, the anguish, and see them replaced by peace.” (2)
The long-lasting impact of trauma
Human beings need to bond or attach to an ‘older, wiser adult’ to be emotionally healthy. This older, wiser adult – most often parents – provide a ‘secure base’ and ‘safe haven’ for babies. (3) This basic safety, or secure attachment provides the foundation from which a baby can explore and develop and take the necessary steps towards a healthy and productive life. As we all know, parents are not (and were not designed to be) perfect. DW Winnicott coined the phrase, “good enough mother”, meaning that having a parent who responds to us say, seven times out of ten, is sufficient for us to navigate childhood, survive adolescence and become a good enough adult ourselves. Luckily, as President Russell M. Nelson reminds us, “perfection is pending”. (4)
In some cases, however, we can endure sexual, physical and emotional abuse from the very people who are meant to keep us safe. Equally, we can be abused by someone who is outside of the family system, often a trusted figure. The impact of any kind of abuse is enormous and life changing. One of the more lasting impacts is the erosion of basic trust and a struggle to feel safe with anyone. When those essential foundations are eroded, it will take time and huge courage to begin again – but you already have that courage, that we do know.
Find a friend who can provide a listening ear or recommend further support
Might it be possible to start with one person? If you don’t have a trusted person in your life yet, ask to be guided to someone who might have the skills and the capacity to offer you a safe harbour. That might be a friend, a leader at church, a Relief Society president, or your ministering sister or brother. You may feel ready to seek help from a qualified trauma therapist. Your bishop can show you what resources and help are available to you. Start slowly and be very gentle with yourself.
Can I really trust God?
How can our faith provide a feeling of safety, when we might feel that no one can be trusted, not even and maybe especially, God? I have worked with some very faithful people who have felt that despite all they have done, God wasn’t helping. They felt that He did not listen or respond to their desperate pleas for help and guidance. They felt that the heavens were closed.
I have learned that when we are overwhelmed with powerful emotions like anxiety, grief and fear, it can be very hard to tune into the still small voice. In my 20s and 30s, I often felt as though Heavenly Father was not listening. Sometimes I worried that He didn’t love me, or that because of things that had happened to me, He couldn’t love me. I can remember prayers when I have shouted at Him and demanded that He respond. Slowly I began to realise that it was not in the storm of my prayer that I would begin to feel a response, but often in the calm of the morning, when I was still. In that stillness a thought would come, or a feeling of peace would steal over me.
Eventually I made an important decision about how I would approach God in my prayers. My decision was to believe that whatever was happening in my life, I would trust that God was always on my side. He was never someone who was trying to hurt or punish me. I have discovered that He never will.
But the abuse is my fault, isn’t it?
When abuse happens to a child and someone older has perpetrated the abuse, the older child or adult has responsibility for the misuse of their agency. Abuse is a crime. However, if the person responsible for the abuse never acknowledges their responsibility, or even denies what happened, this can place the child in a very precarious position psychologically. In order to manage the situation and resolve the dilemma, the child may say to themselves, “This adult cannot be responsible for this abuse. They are, 1, older than me, 2, in a position of trust, 3, denying that it even happened. Therefore, the abuse must be in some way my fault. Perhaps I caused the abuse – this is my fault”.
This belief acts to help the child try and make sense of what has occurred, in the absence of the abuser taking responsibility. Nevertheless, it is not true. It was something you may have said to survive the situation, but it is not your fault. Why? Because no child has equal power with an older child or adult.
“The abuse was not, is not, and never will be your fault, no matter what the abuser or anyone else may have said to the contrary. When you have been a victim of cruelty, incest, or any other perversion, you are not the one who needs to repent; you are not responsible”. (5)
Promised healing, relief and forgiveness
There is one who does not wish us to understand our worth, or to believe in the Saviour’s promises of healing. Satan seeks to pull us away from our divine destiny and pull us down into the gulf of misery. He wants us hurting and preoccupied with our fear and our loneliness. How might we begin to believe these statements from apostles and leaders and discern between truth and error?
In 1 Samuel, chapter 25 there is a story of Abigail and David. In this story, Abigail is a type of Christ. She offers us a perspective of who the Saviour is, and of His astonishing capacity to not only heal us, but to take upon Himself our griefs and sorrows – and to show us that He knows exactly what it means to be betrayed, hurt and profoundly wounded.
In the story, Abigail, who is married to Nabal, discovers that her husband has offended David. It’s a long story, but David and Nabal are headed for armed confrontation. Abigail, who as a Christlike example, is wise and intuitive. She knows that she needs to intervene to restore peace. She also knows that justice is required. So being a smart woman, she takes into the desert (where David is camped) with wine and food to eat, and there she finds David, full of anger with his army, ready to confront Nabal.
What can she possibly do? How can she resolve this offense and calm the situation down? The scriptures tell us that she “hasted…and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, and said, “upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be.”
Abigail took the sin that had been committed by her husband upon herself and offered to stand in his place. She continued, “I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid.” Abigail shows us in this story who Christ is and what He has done for us. He says to all of us who have been offended, “upon me let this iniquity be.” He asks us to trust that He will restore justice as He takes upon Himself – the only One without sin – the pain and the terror of the experience of being abused. In so doing, He relieves us of the burden of having to deal with the abuser and instead reassures us, that He will take it all upon Himself.
How is such love possible? That is what we can come to know. The infinite and eternal nature of God’s love for us can be discovered and felt, as we seek Him.
“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you. And you shall seek me and find me when ye shall search for me with all your heart. And I will be found of you, saith the Lord and I will turn away your captivity.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
Making the impossible, possible
In the 35 years I have counselled with members and non-members alike, I am in awe of the bravery and tenacity of those who are on this long journey of recovery – and it is a long journey – but relief comes along the way. He understands that we cannot wait until the end, and so, as Abigail did, He sends out into the desert nourishment and support. He knows what it is like to sojourn in the “waste howling wilderness” (6) and He sends those who are qualified to help. Some of this help is professional and some spiritual. He will never leave us alone, for His avowed mission is to “bind up the broken hearted” and to offer “beauty for ashes.” (7)
And should we have cause to doubt, Elder Kearon offers us his consoling promise: “Jesus specialises in the seemingly impossible. He came here to make the impossible possible, the irredeemable redeemable, to heal the unhealable, to right the unrightable, to promise the unpromisable. And He’s really good at it. In fact, He’s perfect at it”. (8)
Sarah Miller is a UKCP registered psychotherapist specialising in working with childhood trauma. Sarah has worked in a community mental health team (NHS) and was lead psychotherapist for Survivors of Child Abuse (SOCA). She is currently in private practice.
Resources
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/life-help/abuse?lang=eng
References
1. Richard G. Scott, “Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse,” Ensign, May 1992, 32
2. Patrick Kearon, “He is Risen with Healing in His Wings,” Liahona, May 2022
3. Bowlby, J. (1997) Attachment and Loss. Pimlico: London.
4. Russell M. Nelson, “Perfection Pending,” Ensign, Nov 1995, 86
5. Patrick Kearon, “He is Risen with Healing in His Wings,” Liahona, May 2022
6. Deuteronomy 32:10
7. Isaiah 61:1-3
8. Patrick Kearon, “He is Risen with Healing in His Wings,” Liahona, May 2022